Common Theme
I've been wrestling with dis-satisfaction quite a bit of late. Stuck in a rut of isolation and some old habits. Not booze fortunately. 38 days.
So I came here and noticed about 1/2 dozen threads of the theme "newness wearing off" or a slip after a good solid month or two. It's the wall. I've hit it.
Driving myself a touch crazy with it in fact. My problem is that I have it figured out. I know what to do. But for whatever reason I don't do it. I'm stuck in my own head. Need to get back to action. Put a plan together, ground myself. Commit.
There it is. The word. Commit. Major issue for me. Mr. Non-committal. It's buried deep in me like a splinter I can't seem to get at.
I think it makes it worse that I am so self aware. The knowing it's there and the ignoring it makes it impossible to get any peace. Alcohol isn't an option for me right now. There are strong enough legal incentives to not drink that it's keeping me dry. But I fear becoming a dry drunk. I fear living the rest of my life knowing what I could be doing but sitting still and not growing.
It's hard to tell if I'm being hard on myself - I am in the midst of a **** storm of legal & financial issues - am I expecting too much from myself right now? There it goes again - the spinning in my own head.
It's been present for several weekends now. This is the first time I've shared it out loud. Hopefully admitting it and getting it out in the open will spark something.
I need to commit to some simple day by day promises. Little things pointed at big things.
First is to get some sleep tonight. Second is to make a list tomorrow. Gotta get grounded.
-B