Well damn. Makes no sense at all to go back. I put together several days of sobriety. I am capable. It was a bullmess reason for me to relapse. What was I to expect? Years of drunkness, and she strayed? Do I really blame her? Honestly, who gives a rat's patootie?? This has to be about me and who I want to be.
I don't want to succumb to "triggers". When I heard what happened, I should have called my sponsor at the very least. I should have called my daughters. Anything but drown myself in scotch. Which, by the way, cost me staples n my head (I originally thought is was stitches), loss of memory, and a whole host of other stuff.
I wish I could say this is the turning point. I have thought that several times. All I can say is yet another lesson learned. I am so tired though. I want a new life. My old life. As so many have said, Dee, Anna, Chloe, Mindfulman, etc., etc. have said, just have to make the decision. That is one thing that stood out to me in the AA BB. Make the decision. so far, all I have done is express aspiration.
But I have learned the "decision", is not singular. It is a painful and terribly hard. And must be made day to day, even moment from to moment.
I am picking up the pieces today. My head is cloudy, and aches, but one thing I know, I want a better life. the life of promise and success I knew I would have. But now seems like a pipedream. Time to dig deep. Admit once and for all that I am a FRICKING ALCOHOLIC WHO IS POWERLESS OVER THIS POISON. It is NEVER an option.
I have so much I have t do in the next several days. But I will power though this M-Fer. I will. This doggone thing will not lick me. I have worked too goshdarn hard to throw it all away.
I will be back my friends. I will update you. I wish so much we could all have a big reunion or something. I love London. But in any event, thanks for the inspiration. I will not quit quitting.
