C,
Thank for your thoughtful and moving post.
This is exactly what I believe "’get high on discovering yourself and God’s purpose for you life. If you don’t believe in God, find something else of high value for you. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction" except that I would say not there is no addiction, but that you can find a way not to act on it.
This is a terrible time for you and to find a way to reach out to us during that time in love, amazing.
I am sorry for your loss. Your brother is blessed to have a sister like you.
XX