Hi Kristin, glad you made it back. One time I fell into the same trap with the hooch, but I didn't manage to keep it up as long as you before I was back on my drug of no choice, alcohol. Just a few seconds in fact.
That first step is pretty deep. I think I started work on mine the day of my first drink. It took me all the way till my last drink to learn what it really means to be alcoholic. It is great you have a big book study meeting in your plan as it will be well covered there.
My step one meant that I understood what happens to me when I drink, and also when I don't drink. When I drank, I nearly always lost control. We call that the phenomenon of craving. Once I got started, I was powerless to stop.
But the powerlessness didn't stop there. If it did, all I would need to do would be to not drink, and I wouldn't need any of the other stuff. I stopped many times, but then somehow, in the most casual way, I would start again. I made firm decisions to stop, yet at certain times I couldn't bring the reasons into my my with sufficient force to stop me. I thought I could get away with a drink or two this time, even though there was overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
So I have this abnormal reaction of the body coupled with this obsession of the mind which together make up a terminal, progressive illness.
What happens when I don't drink (and do nothing or just go to meetings) is I don't get on well in the world. Externally my world gets a little better, but internally I become increasingly uncomfortable. Restless, irritable and discontent. Alcohol was always my solution to this, so, if I didn't find another solution, I was in serious trouble.
The only solution that would work for me was to find a better way of living so that alcohol wasn't needed anymore. That's what I found. The spiritual path I have been shown in AA does everything and more that the alcohol used to do when it was working.
I wish you all the best on your journey.