Rehearsal helps. We were, in essence, rehearsing for the rest of our lives when we were kids. As adults we get to re-write the script!
For me, becoming a parent was when I had to really confront the automatic-type responses I had ingrained and wow I did not like most of them! With help of therapist and books I wrote down a bunch of phrases that either got me launched in the right direction in a "heated"moment or at least bought me time so I didn't say things I'd regret.
I rehearsed these phrases with a cool head, when they were not needed (like driving in my car, or home alone cooking!). I had some great conversations with myself LOL. It definitely helped , not magic, but a big improvement.
"Say another few sentences about that....."
"Easy does it....."
"This is a hot topic, let me get right back to you when I've had a second to think it through..."
"I can hear that you are really angry, and if I get angry we're going nowhere! Can we cool off a minute and talk again?"
"We might just be having a communication issue, can we look at this from another angle?"
"I apologize for having such a strong reaction, let me take it down a notch...."
"I think we got off on the wrong foot with this one, let's start again..."
Stuff like that - I went over them with my therapist - I don't remember them all, you get the gist. But I DID rehearse them a lot. And I think hearing myself use them increasingly reinforced a different style of communicating (as opposed to hearing my mother's voice/words come out of my mouth UGH!). Fake it till you make it.
Therapy also helped me approach things in terms of the "meta" like getting beyond the details to the big picture. So if someone's behavior really pisses me off and I take it personally I quickly try to take a step back and see what's really at stake, what is the big issue not the nitty gritty, tit for tat, he said/she said etc. There is always a bigger picture and I (try to!) look for that instead of a "Win/Lose" in the moment.
I work in a very high pressure, fast-paced, high stakes environment with every imaginable type of personality in my co-workers. It's good to remember you don't have to like everyone, you're not taking them out to dinner, you just have to find a way to communicate with good will and an aim for the best outcome.
Peace,
B.