Originally Posted by 180Man

Hi Stacy,

Sounds a lot like me. I would deflect responsibility for anything I could - poor sleep, drinking too much, her being unhappy in marriage, not getting enough sex- it was never my fault.

For what it is worth, please accept it from one who used to say the same thing as your AH that none of this is your fault. You could be warmer, more emotionally understanding, available for sex 24/7, firmer with your demands he face his problems, lock him up in the room on weekends - nothing will change his behaviour until he completely surrenders. Likely not even he knows what it will take for that to happen.

For some alcoholics a spouse leaving prompts or eventually leads to the rock bottom wake up call, and for others it does not. For the spouse of the alcoholic, however, it is often the only real card to play, and must be played for themselves and not the alcoholic spouse.

I'm grateful my wife left me, even if it means we don't eventually reconcile. The life I lead now is light years better alone than it ever was with her while in active addiction.

My wife tells me now she thought of every reason to stay - the kids, fear of me hurting myself, our financial security. Ultimately it was love and respect for herself that eventually won out, and we are both so much the better for it, and both on our own paths of recovery.

I wish you much strength and wisdom in your circumstances...

M180