Originally Posted by
Stacy0701 
Congratulations 180man on your sobriety! I just read this entire thread & I am coming from someone who is still in it, still married to my AH but we live as roommates. He tells me he wants to quit but blames me for not being the wife he needs & says if had a reason he would quit & gets mad at me that we have no intimacy in our marriage right now! Luckily I do not fall for his bs but like most have said it is really hard to be intimate with someone who drinks & blames you! Like others have said sex does not make everything better & if things are not O.K, they are not O.K. For me it is impossible to have physical intimacy where there is no emotional intimacy. I loved reading your last post for most never get there where they can look back & see their faults & also look forward & no the right steps to take! My AH is so far from that as he is still in this blaming & sex will fix everything stage! I am trying to build up the courage to separate for I need some clarity & need room to breathe. Whether we are together or apart I would love for him to get to a place where he is working on himself for his own sake & the sake of our 8 year old son! Thank you for sharing!
Hi Stacy,
Sounds a lot like me. I would deflect responsibility for anything I could - poor sleep, drinking too much, her being unhappy in marriage, not getting enough sex- it was never my fault.
For what it is worth, please accept it from one who used to say the same thing as your AH that none of this is your fault. You could be warmer, more emotionally understanding, available for sex 24/7, firmer with your demands he face his problems, lock him up in the room on weekends - nothing will change his behaviour until he completely surrenders. Likely not even he knows what it will take for that to happen.
For some alcoholics a spouse leaving prompts or eventually leads to the rock bottom wake up call, and for others it does not. For the spouse of the alcoholic, however, it is often the only real card to play, and must be played
for themselves and not the alcoholic spouse.
I'm grateful my wife left me, even if it means we don't eventually reconcile. The life I lead now is light years better alone than it ever was with her while in active addiction.
My wife tells me now she thought of every reason to stay - the kids, fear of me hurting myself, our financial security. Ultimately it was love and respect for herself that eventually won out, and we are both so much the better for it, and both on our own paths of recovery.
I wish you much strength and wisdom in your circumstances...
M180