Originally Posted by
Sleepyhollo 
I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you. If the spouse was just immensely hurt by everything that might work. But when your physically repulsed by your SO that is not going to work for most people. I know for me it would’ve done quite the opposite. Even now over a year later I can’t even fathom going to lunch with him one on one or a non romantic getaway just the two of us, let alone a romantic getaway. And buying stuff would just feel like manipulation and trying to push things along. Just like the RA needs his time and space so need the non alcoholic partner to recover. I may get to a point where I want to be with my RAH but I may not. Him trying to push things along by doing those things you recommend would be a sure way to push me away.
My experience echoes what Sleepy is saying. I used gifts to try to make up for my neglect during our marriage, and I feel they would only have an adverse effect now and remind her of all of the shortcuts I would try to constantly take.
Likewise with writing a note. Like many alcoholics, I am a master manipulator. I lied to her face without hesitation and told and promised her exactly what I thought would keep her off my back. Authenticity, sobriety, and consistent action are the only tools I have at my disposal to demonstrate to her my commitment to work on me, and the respect that I have for her.
May as well give a quick update. Things are going very well. I was supposed to move out Feb 1 and we are still under the same roof (at her request). She has told me she is in a place where she feels she can learn to love and trust me again but that she needs more time. She still wants us to live separately for a few months, discover who we are again as individuals, and then see where we are both at towards the end of the summer. We laugh together in ways we haven't since we were dating, and perhaps not even then. We are doing home renovation projects together, and getting along incredibly well ("I could never imagine in a million years enjoying doing a project with you like this!" feels so good to me to hear.)
This is light years ahead of where we were at even a couple of months ago. I am suppressing my urges to move things along more quickly-I feel in the long run we will both be better off. It will be her need for space, and her emotional recovery that will drive where we will be in a few months, and I am okay with that. It gives me the chance to continue to just work on me. It is also part of the price I am willing to pay for my years of active alcoholism.
Keys to rebuilding a relationship that was, at one point, almost certainly over have been: staying sober (get my 6 month chip this week), staring my fear of emotional intimacy and negative emotions full in the face (AA and meditation have provided me huge support here), and authentically engaging with W without my enhanced emotional ego armor on (AA and sobriety have been huge for this). It has been a great ride so far, I feel I have learned to love her and respect her in whole new ways, and realize that what I thought was love when I was under active addiction was something entirely self serving and not love at all the way I am beginning to think of it now.
Cheers all,
M180