Originally Posted by Gabe1980

I've been so moved by the messages I've got today that I just going to go for it and see if anyone can help me.

I worry all the time. I manage to stay sober from around 3 - 6 week but the pressure I feel builts until it's intolerable. I drink to block it out. I'm really hungover today and it's a relief tbh. I cope when I'm sober by having rules for everything, obsessing about everything and then I start failing at things. I can't just be. I can't not just let myself be without feeling guilty/lazy/useless. Then the pressure keeps building. I don't know how to stop it. I know that I need to work on my self-worth because that's at the root of my social anxiety and that's when I usually begin relapse thinking. I have such a deep seated fear of rejection, of making mistakes, of being ridiculed or disliked that, day to day, I have safety behaviours and coping strategies for everything. It's utterly exhausting. I'm getting to the bottom of what caused my alcoholism in the first place. It's overwhelming. So that's some stuff...

The other stuff is that we moved to this small island 18 months ago. I love it, love my job, love our house, have made great friends and I think this is way I've been far more successful at gaining sober time/skills and finding SR (though that seems a bit laughable today.) My husband, on the other hand, hates it here, it terribly homesick and has been struggling ever since we moved. He just wants to give it all up and go home. He has also been drinking far more heavily than normal and, although he supportive, he also misses us drinking together and is feeling bad about drinking in front of me. I just want him to be happy, but I also don't want to walk away from everything.

If we go home at least I'll be able to go to AA, which is what I really want and I feel I need. I've been reading the BB and some of the other material and it fits perfectly with my understanding of myself and my own experience. This is a big chance from when I first joined SR back in August. I never thought AA would be for me but something spiritual has been happening and all of a sudden it clicked with me. I've been reading about step 4 and thinking about my own personal inventory. It really scared me and I spent a couple of days feeling emotional and frightened. I feel frightened most of the time. I think I would need support with the steps but I just can't do meetings here. There are 3 a week but the community is tiny and it would outing myself in the profession I work in. I not able to do that. I wouldn't feel safe sharing in that setting. So going maybe going home would be a good thing.

Then there's all the crap that makes it really confusing. Am I an alcoholic? Maybe I have had emotional problems and as those have improved my drinking has been less frequent. Maybe I just need to have a drink every few weeks and what's so wrong with that? But then I'm here posting. There's a voice inside me that is telling me to keep going because I'm on the right road. I think that's my HP. All this just goes round and round and round.

Anyway, I hope this isn't too much and thank you all for everything. I really appreciate you all and sorry for the drama. Gabe x