Numb
It is close to 2am this Sunday morning. As I sit here, just getting in from the airport and a long day of traveling. I was out of town for work when my cell phone rang off the hook while I slept this morning. Once I finally woke up, I look at my phone to see my X-A's family had been calling. My X-A was pronouced dead at the emergency room around 3:30 yesterday morning. He had been shot in the chest at close range. Aparently he had been at a party, where drinking and who knows what else was being done and some fighting and things started to happen. At current the police are still looking for the shooter.
I had my co-worker here at my home keeping our daughter while I was away. I was not suppose to be home until Monday. Shes asleep and does not know this. I plan to tell her when she gets up.
I got home a couple of hours ago...was lucky to get my flight changed to get here. I have been over at his mothers house.
So I sit here wide awake. Trying to figure out how to tell my 8 year old her father passed away. I am scared as to how she will take this. I am scared as to how we both are going to be taking it. I have been pretty numb, almost just in another world. I sat in the airport bathroom stall this afternoon and cried at least for an hour.
I have been racking my brain all day trying to remember if I saved some pictures I took of him the last sober decent afternoon he spent with us. I am thankful I did find them on my computer.
In some ways I feel like it was a blessing. The past year he has really gotten bad with the drugs and alcohol. I for the most part have tried to keep the thoughts out of my head that if I only had helped him when he asked, if I only gave him a lift to get job applications. He maybe would have gotten his head on a little bit better and gotten a job. Maybe wouldnt have been at that get together. I was surprised at myself that I even for one minute had those guilty feelings. I cant share these feelings with anyone except you all because you all understand. That is why I am here.
I love him, always have. always will. Right now you guys I just cant believe hes gone. I feel like I was mean to him. But I know he knew deep down why I was. Where my anger and pain came from.
For now, I am trying to get some sleep although I dont feel like I can. Going to try though. I love you all and this place.