He died...
It has been a long time since I've posted. Literally almost five years. So much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I do want to say that when I was going through the worst of times, this site and its members helped me immeasurably to cope with things that were happening with my ABF. I was so lost this was one of the only places I could find that anyone understood what I was going through. So, thank you all for that.
My ABF and I--I'll call him J--went through so much. So many ups and downs and back-and-forths. It was never-ending. On the other hand, I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone and I truly believe we had a very deep 'soulmate' connection. I could never seem to stay away no matter what happened. Common problem among us here, obviously.
Eventually, I was not able to live with J anymore. Then I almost completely shut him out. I even tried dating someone else. After six years. It didn't work, it didn't last, and the connection just wasn't there for me. It really hurt J that I did this, but he acknowledged that he wanted me to be happy and obviously failed. Soon after I broke things off with the other guy, J coincidentally (yes, absolutely) contacted me again.
We had about 36 hours together at the end of January. It was the best time we had spent in a long, long time. We really talked, we laughed, we acted like normal people together rather than people who had a house full of baggage. I dropped him off the next day and drove home thinking that I should just admit to myself that he was who I wanted, regardless of what has happened, and maybe we could have some sort of 'unconventional' arrangement where we don't see other people, but we also don't see each other much. My heart was trying to find a way to keep him close, but not too close.
Two weeks later, I had been unable to agree to seeing him again and he was texting me regularly about how much he loved me, enjoyed our time together, and really wanted to be with me again. He apologized, expressed regret, seemed to take responsibility for things in our relationship without a follow-up "But you..." or "I only did that because you did..." I was so torn.
Nine days later, he was dead. He overdosed. I'm broken. I don't know how to accept the never again of this. I don't know how to keep from asking myself unanswerable questions. I desperately want to talk to him again and I haven't even been able to dream him vividly yet. I'm afraid he never knew what he really meant to me or how much I really loved him and cared about him. I didn't tell him anymore. I had put so many walls up to protect myself. When he died, there was no need for that anymore and all those walls came down leaving me open to feeling all the things I had been trying not to for my own protection for so long.
I know this is a process and it has been only two weeks since he passed away. I know this will take time. Right now, it feels horrible and empty and I'm not sure how I can miss him so much when I had gotten myself to a place of rarely seeing him. Maybe it is just because he was still such a heavy presence in my heart and mind every single day regardless of whether we were together or not. I don't know. I don't know if it matters.
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I wanted to post here. I'm sorry I've been absent and now I'm back dropping this bomb. I'm having a hard time and once again, there aren't many people who REALLY understand what this might feel like.
Thanks for reading.