Originally Posted by Thirteenth

Um, so yeah, two years. Progress? None. If anything I’ve gone deeper into this addiction. I remember March, 2013. I resolved then to deal with the issue based on a strictly financial perspective. Fail. I didn’t reregister on SR until three years later.

I remember July, 2006, vaguely. That was the first time I happened upon SR and registered and posted. That was when I truly realized I had a problem. Fail. Almost 12 years; I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I never doubted the progressive nature but to consider myself now…

I remain in the yet category. When will it happen? Whatever it may be. What will I lose? What will it take to wake up this dumbass? These are questions I’ve wrestled with the last two years while seeing remarkable achievements by all of you. I’ve not met nor even really tried to achieve my own. My longest stretch of sobriety is so pathetic that I almost can’t bring myself to say that it’s been two days or less. In two years! The previous 10 are no less uninspiring.

I hope this post does not read as a pity party but just as reality. The support is wonderful but I’m just not utilizing it and clearly remain in the rather drink than be sober category. I have to be honest. The lack of posting is due to the lack of action on my part. It’s difficult to come back time after time after time after time. It’s not because of the shame, though there is that; it’s because I see you all doing great things and getting back after it on the rare occasions there is a slip. So far I am not like that. I want to be like that and it’s why I stick around. It’s hope which for me can be a precious commodity. Somehow, someway it will imprint and I’ll realize that not only is sobriety worth it, but that I can do it too. Preferably it’s not too late when I do. So far it eludes since clearly I don’t want it bad enough.

Moving on, congrats to all on milestones and defeating the hag/beast. It can be a bitch from what I understand. Love and good wishes to all.