Having a bad day
My bad days seem to be getting harder on some level. When I had bad days my first month everything was about rediscovering ways to handle them. Now ways that I found worked aren’t really working and I’m beginning to feel suffocated by some emotion I can’t name. It’s like sadness, resentment for not having me time in my family situation, confusion about what I want, sorrow for processing loss. So far the emotions pass, music so far is my best go-to, but even with the music today I feel like I’m going stir crazy in my thoughts. I feel like I’m searching to figure something out but I’m not sure what. I feel unsettled but I’m not sure what to do with it.
Normally this was my favorite emotion to drink away. The let it all go, go a little crazy, and feel the warmth of wine flow through me. So as you can imagine this is still he worst feeling to have to sit with. I’ve had it my entire life, a kind of feeling like I need to go do something but I’m not sure what. Antsyness maybe? I don’t know.
Anyway, I’ve never wrote about it, so this probably seems so vague but ugh... I feel like screaming, crying, doing something wild, celebrating, and going crazy all in one.