Originally Posted by aliciagr

I think you are an amazing person who has done nothing at all wrong in this situation. It sounds like you, and his parents have tried to be supportive and have focused on his health. For 30 he appears to be very ill from the addiction, and its heartbreaking.

My husbands trajectory was somewhat similar so I will share with you what I had to do in order to get through it.

I had to get my emotions in check because it clouded my thinking. Here are a few facts I believe about addiction.

1. Its a complex issue, and its hard to resolve even when a person is willing and dedicated to the process. (if you go to the newcomers section here, you will see people struggling everyday, even though they want to stop drinking or using drugs). Its not simply about willpower as addiction happens in the brain and that affects thoughts, feelings, cravings, logic. As I said complex.

2. When a person relapses all it really means is that what they were doing in an effort to make changes (to stop) needs to be re-examined and a new plan needs to be put in place. More pillars of support through doctors, inpatient, outpatient, therapy, support groups, or whatever. Those things are personal choices and may change during the course of ones recovery.

My husband tried to stop and relapsed several times. His behavior became crazy at times and he was illogical. My inlaws were involved at this time also, we all made mistakes but we each had the best of intent because of goal was to help him get proper treatment. There is nothing wrong with this, its not "enabling" the addiction. Its a move where you try to help get people in the loop who are trained and can help. BUT ITS HARD AND IT TOOK AN EMOTIONAL TOLL ON ALL OF US.

So this is where its easy to say, if you don't have a lot invested then don't get involved and leave it to his parents. BUT its not my place to make decisions for you, and I wont insult your ability to take a step by step approach, and figure out your own path. You've already shown you have your own personal identity and have boundaries for whats allowed in your home. That is great ! because its easy to put ourselves 2nd in these situations, and what Ive found happens is if I did it for too long, then I got weaker, stressed, confused emotional and it hurt me. Once I was hurt and weak, I didn't have anything to give anyone else in my life.

Cutting through the emotions on this.

Was he doing any kind of ongoing treatment? Does he have any pillars of support in place other than you/family? When he sobers up, does he have a therapist to talk to, anyone who can help him figure out what went wrong?

If he calls what should you do? Its really up to you and there is no right or wrong. Knowing myself, I would answer of course because I would want to know what the heck was going on. I would reinforce the positives that he had a month of sobriety and this is a blip. reinforce its hard but there is help. I would stand firm in the boundaries I need for my health and sanity, but other than that there is no reason to shame him for a relapse.

The relapse wasn't personal and had nothing to do with you, hope you know this. most likely I think it was a change of scenery, an influx of emotions that triggered him to want to drink and he wasn't strong enough and said heck yeah great idea Im going to the liquor store, consequences be ignored. It takes a long time, way longer than a month for the brain to rewire away from addictive processes. That to me is what it really boils down to. Now once he starts can he stop again? Remember the brain begins to rationalize things abnormally. complex.