My wife thought that she had surrendered as she was working hard to beat her demons on her own... but she had not.. there was just so much more that she needed to do to surrender... it was not until she was willing to go into a detox facility and subsequent rehab that she truly realized what surrendering to her addiction really was...
Wish i could give you the insight into what it was that made her come to that conclusion.... but only thing she has been able to express to me about it was that she had an "ah-ha" moment that made her realize that her life was truly unmanageable and she was powerless to do anything about it as long as she continued to use.
Hope you can find your Ah-Ha moment soon!