One Week
Yesterday was a week sober.
I checked out yesterday. Distracted myself with a couple of hobbies and ignored the goals I had to go to an AA meeting and clean my house.
I rationalized it away as a "I need a bit of downtime from this" type thing. That's not going to cut it for the things I have to get done to sell the house and move closer to work. But yesterday my emotional reservoir was tapped out. The realities of my situation - from the seriousness of the wreck to the seriousness of the consequences - continues to sink in.
Long term I need to let go of a lot of the self centeredness to enable necessary change to take place. I don't take for granted that it's not a guarantee that it happens - or that I can somehow 'think' my way to where I need to be. I need to do it. That's going to be a challenge for me.
All that said I'm not being hard on myself. Just commenting on what the realities are. I don't think taking yesterday 'off' is a big deal in the grand scheme. Just trying not to go numb and withdraw and completely return to old habits.
I prayed this morning for the energy and strength to do what I have to do in the coming days. I acknowledge that I can not do it on my own and that I have to get out of my own way. I don't know how to do that aside from ask for help from God and just try to do what I can each day. My thoughts often turn to doubt in faith, little whispers that try to undermine my commitment to change. Yesterday morning I gave in a little bit. It bothers me that I did.
Today I intend to at the very least have the car I need to get up and running ready to tow tomorrow - clean up the garage a bit. And clean up the house to a point where I can start doing what I need to do to get good value when I sell it. I'm thinking I'd like to paint & get carpet - but there's a couple things that need to get done prior to that point.
I will say that whenever despair starts creeping in I've been able to largely turn from it - to acknowledge that there's something going on in my life that's bigger than me and that my feelings of despair or other are simply me trying to hang on to how things used to be.
My life is different now. I need to let go.
Any time I have a thought or vision of me drinking in the future - which happens occasionally - I get scared. That's probably a good thing. I can not relapse. I'm terrified of what will happen if I do. I also know that that alone is not going to be enough to keep me sober. Beyond that I know nothing.
Dunno. Feeling a bit lost to be honest. But I'm committed to not drinking. Not sure what else there is to say right now.
Today is day 8. I'm grateful to not be where I was 8 days ago. That I know for certain.
-B