New here
Day 7 without drinking... most of those days I had a nasty head cold but here I am on a Saturday night and all I want to do is drink a bunch of vodka and smoke a pack of Marlboros. I don't even smoke unless I drink. But when I do I chain smoke and feel like hell the next day. I have been a binge drinker since my teens. I am now 45 years old. I hate looking back at the person I become when I am drunk. Dominate every conversation, talk incessantly, so happy, ridiculously positive and so happy. Too much to handle. The next day, regret, shame, sickness, guilt, disgust.... and then a few days later all I can think of is how much I need...deserve...a drink. I might last a week but that's about it. Its like I have two different people inside me. I am scared. When that other voice takes over it is so strong. I am a wife, mother, daughter and friend but feel like I let everyone down. Some days I am great, take care of everyone, but the hungover days I am in bed and everyone just leaves me alone. I hate the example I am being to my two teenagers. Sorry this is so long but I guess this is the first step. I cant even count how many times I have said this is it. No more. And then just this last time because...... rough day, stress , anxiety blah blah blah. I always find some excuse. So very sick of feeling sick. Just want relief and some peace.