Welcome Chris, sorry to hear you’re having a tough time mate. Are you familiar with the concept of an ‘Addictive Voice’ or ‘AV’, you’ll hear a lot of people far more knowledgeable on this topic talk about it?
I’ve always thought of your addictive voice as beginning the moment your addiction essentially becomes self-aware, and starts taking over your mind. When you feel like you’ve convinced yourself you don’t have a problem - despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary - that’s your addictive voice at work there. Like I said, I am by no means an expert on this, but just some food for thought.