and yes I also blamed myself, not for the addiction bc he had it well before we met, but a little for its progression. I felt like anything I did that he didn't like or couldn't cope with I wouldn't do. When I visited him in the hospital and he said the only thing that kept him going from a planned suicide was me , I REALLY felt like I couldn't leave. Then I realized not only was this probably manipulation, but that I don't have the power to keep anyone alive or cause anyone to die (unless I was a 'killer' which im not). I would like to think I am so wonderful that to live without me would be death-worthy, but it is simply not true. He didn't get sober before I was around, and certainly not after I was around. It's really something if anything, we have no control over. I use to think I didn't show him enough love and that's why he drank (because you see, with each relapse my love depleted more and more). But then I thought back to the times where things were good and he drank anyway. We truly are as powerless as it comes to the disease. My qualifier spent a month outside in the middle of winter drinking under a viaduct and ended up with frostbite and black feet in hospital. This all while he could have come inside at any time - he just couldn't drink. And everytime he chose to stay outside with a bottle. Nobody forced him to it. But he literally wanted it more than he wanted to be warm and fed. You see, if I forced him to turn to the drink than I certainly could have forced him to turn away from it right? Not exactly.