Hi Ready - I dunno - I guess hate and fear are strong motivators! I went through such misery for a long time. At one point I would buy, use, have fits of remorse, flush my stash down the toilet, and then get back on the phone to the dealer again ten minutes later - insanity!
It really doesn't matter which meetings you go to - a majority of drug addicts also have issues with alcohol. In AA you say you are an alcoholic, in NA you say you are an addict and they seem to be more open to anything and everything. It all boils down to the same thing - an inability to control our using of whatever. Try both, see what you think, just try to keep going. You will sooner or later hear something at a meeting that will give you your "aha moment". Hook up with clean people, go for coffee, pick people's brains, take tiny steps.
The anxiety is the pits and it's hard to cope with. I too have anxiety attacks. The coke will intensify the anxiety. Try laying quietly, regulate your breathing, try to visualize something that brings you peaceful feelings. If you have a pet - dog or a cat - it can help with anxiety, just the act of petting your pet! Try chamomile tea too. If your anxiety is really severe, see your doctor - be honest about what's happening with you.
Keep posting, Ready - there are so many people here who will be able to relate to how you're feeling.
Love and hugs.