Hi Ready, and welcome. Ex-coke/crackhead here. For me, I had to get to the points of hate and fear before I was able to walk away. Even though I still wanted it, I hated the coke for the things I would do when high, the chances I would take to get more, the crack binge that usually followed the coke binge, and finally hating myself. The other motivating factor for me was fear - a hospital trip for OD where my blood pressure was 220/105 wasn't quite enough to make me get on my knees, but the chest pains that I got every time I used after that trip to the hospital - that was did it. I started to think about my daughter, my mother and father who have already lost two children, my sibs, my friends, and all that I cared about - how easily I could lose it all through the stupidity of what I was doing - and for what? For a drug that couldn't even do it for me any more the way it used to.
I couldn't stay clean on my own. I tried, and failed. I started going to NA meetings, spending time with recovering addicts - just hearing their shares in meetings would make me cry and cry. I saw myself in so much of what they shared. I discovered that it was possible to recover, to walk away from our DOC, and I did. I did it while living with someone who continued in their addiction, who left piles of coke on the kitchen counter for me to see when I got home from a meeting, who continued to smoke crack in our home. I've been clean from coke/crack now for two years and three months and I never want to use again.
I think you have the desire to stop using, and that's the only requirement for membership in NA. Keep going to meetings, even if you're still using. Hell, even if you're high - just sit back and listen and talk to someone after the meeting. Miracles happen when we are ready, and I think you are getting to that point.
Keep coming back - this is a great place and you'll get lots of support here.
