I have to start with the packing in the smokes again.
I found out just how addicted I was in that hospice.
They had automatic doors to get in and out during the day. But after 8pm until 7am, you had to buzz the nurses to automatically release the doors from their nursing station. Trouble was, as well as the nurses being busy, the buzzer was very loud.
A couple of nights before my dad died, I was finding it very intense in that room. So felt totally claustrophobic at times. He had chein stokes breathing, and the death rattle had set in too.
We knew the end was near, but didn't know when at this point could be hours, could be days.
There was a knot in my stomach, and everytime it unravelled a bit, I could feel panic setting in.
I didn't want to keep bothering the nurses after 8pm to get in and out the unit to go for a smoke. And being outside and looking at the moon while I smoked helped pull me back together.
I had a box of celebration sweets, tiny bars of bounty, snickers, choclate etc.
I found, if I used a bounty sweet, I could wedge in under the inside door and leave it open a smidge, so it wouldn't click And it wasn't noticable.
Then I could stand under the sensor on the outside door so that wouldn't close.
This worked well, I just had to make sure no nurses were about when I did it.
It worked well until my mother ate the little bounty!! She was more concerned it had been on the floor when I told her than she had eaten my smoke escape!
So I only had a galaxy chocolate one left. It was so warm that half melted and wouldn't wedge the door.
So, I said to my mother at about 2 in the morning, I would go out and text her when I wanted to be back in and she could open the doors for me.
She was to say she was on her way to the chapel, if she got copped (which was outside the first locked door.
All went well the first time. 4am I wanted to go out again.
I came back from a smoke, and a really fearsome nurse was waiting outside of the inner door for me.
My mother, having been copped and asked "can I help you" aka..."what are you doing" said "My daughter is out there having a smoke and I'm waiting to let her back in"
No cover story! Grassed me straight up!!
So then the nurse was, well how did you get into the outer door? She was very scary.
So I told her I had kept it open, because I didn't want to buzz the buzzer and wake people.
So then I was told off again, because I hadn't been in proper smoking area.
And told not to go out for smokes between 8pm and 7am again.
And thats when it hit me just how addicted I was, and why it has to go!!