You cannot force him (or anyone for that matter, alcoholic or not) into a relationship or into loving you as much as you would like to. Just like you can't make them stop drinking. If he really is just sober he is on a rollercoaster of emotions that he has ever had before because he used to drown any emotion he had with alcohol. I honestly don't believe that the place he is at is trying to get tied of you or make him break up with you. Truth is he needs to focus on him and him alone for the moment and all the drama of a relationship doesn't always fit in there in early recovery. I don't know much about BPD but that could certainly complicate things. And I understand your frustration with the relationship right now but what are you or have you really been getting out of the relationship that is good for you? Has it really been that great if you really look at it honestly? I'm not necessarily saying that you need to dump him this moment if you really love him. But he needs space and honestly so do you. You need to work on you and your codependent ways. I've been with my RAH for almost 16 years and he has been an alcoholic for much longer than that. I just didn't see it for what it was. I was getting something out of the relationship obviously or I would not have stayed with him but looking back at it it really was dysfunctional from the get go. Over the years things have gone downhill but I just powered through it. We had a kid and also raised his nieces whose parents were both addicts. And I naively thought that things would get better but Instead they got worse until I could not longer do it and gave him an ultimatum. He needed up going to rehab and I was the one that mostly cut contact after he had been in for a couple of weeks because phone calls were not productive. So I did see him most weekends for visitation be use of the kids otherwise I would not have done that. Both his and my emotions were all over the place and mine because I no longer had to keep everything a secret and keep everything bottled up inside me. I needed space from him and truthfully he needed space from me to focus on him and not the relationship. Because without sobriety and some significant changes there would be no relationship (although I did not really realize that as much at the time, I just was sick of his BS and continued manipulation). I have severely detached from him. He was complaining at the end of rehab how I want t giving anything to the relationship (whereas he had been so much involved in our relationship while he was actively drinking....I sert sarcasm here). Several months later he admitted that if i had welcomed him home with open arm we would've fallen right back into the whole codependent dysfunctional BS. It forced him to go do his own thing, find his own hobbies and focus on him and his recovery.
Truth is that rehab and recovery can make things a lot worse before they hopefully get better. The addict, if they are really working the program, no longer had their crutch to bury their emotions and are now forced to feel everything and sit with them etc (and often that goes for the Codie too btw). And that is very very hard even if there are no relationship problems to worry about.,
If you have any interest in potentially saving the relationship you need to let go of him for now . He needs to work on himself and you need to work on you. Then you see who the new people are (provided he stays clean and does meds if prescribed) and if you are still compatible. You may still want to be together or you may not. If he is not 100% invested on staying sober and getting treatment if needed for his psych issues I probably wouldn't waste my breath on sticking around (but you'd still need to work on you to
pr vent yourself from ending up in another dysfunctional relationship down the road).
And if you just don't even want to deal with it anymore then that is certainly understandable as well. If everyone is doing their own recovery you will both change a lot more than likely and you more than likely won't be the same people that you were when you met. Only time will tell,
Please realize though that whatever your decision is, from what you posted here you really need to work on you as well through Alanon and probably even therapy. Most non codependent people won't put up with an addicts behavior and so don't usually stick around long term in such a relationship. There is a reason we stay and unless we want to continue that cycle of codependency and dysfunctional relationships we have a lot of work to do as well. I never realized this until I read codependent no more and I confronted my H and he went to rehab. It definitely is far from if he quits drinking everything will be ok. I didn't even know what codependency was prior to that but I'm defitnely a poster child.
I know it won't be easy but focus on you and do things for you because chances are you haven't done that in a long time. If the relationship is meant to be in the end it will happen. But I would take a huge step back for now. You both need it. And if he isn't into the relationship anymore ther is nothing you can do (obviously that goes for any relationship) . He probably doesn't know who is he right now.
For myself, the non addict, I know that I don't even know if I really know what love is. Because I have never had a normal relationship and obviously my view of what love is was a totally codependent view and therefore not healthy.
I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide. Don't make any rash decisions. Stay NC for now and see what happens and take that time to focus on you.