Well the freakshow stopped.
Unfortunately that was accomplished by drinking.
What ridiculous lengths we go to. I called roadside assistance to reinflate my tire. At 1:30 in the morning. Because I woke up after an hour of sleep thinking it was morning. And the withdrawals just did not want to go away.
And went and bought some more to get myself through until I figure out what to do and not be tearing out my hair again.
Of course I never called my old clinic to see if I could get in again, and I don't have wheels to get there anyways. My registration came up today. So I am without vehicle.
Stupid alcoholic reasoning. Ya can't afford registration but you got enough to stave off the sick you know is coming.
I think a big part of this is that I do not want to deal with the crap show I am going to have to deal with in the next week.
Plus a lot of other emotional things.
It's a stupid question. But how just the hell did I end up here again?
I committed to a Saturday meeting. I know I won't make it if I don't drink. It's either that or... who the hell knows.
I had the day of fighting somnolence again. My days and nights have flipped.
Once again, not sure about the repeats. It's one day of "ok" and one day where I could sleep 18 hours easily.
I don't know. I am afraid to go and try and get my meds refilled again and get shut down or messed up with again. Something else I don't want to think of. I have been through many med withdrawals and this benzo stuff- yeah. I wish I had tapered it out a long time ago.
Yay anxiety.
I will make a plan and figure this out. I always do.
I am trying hard to remember how bad this compares to these past conditions, reading old journal entries.
Stupidly some of them even sober, totally sober I don't remember. I think I broke me.