So it was my ex's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, his addiction (I have my own but was working on it for years prior to this point).
I spent a significant number of months, years after the affair trying to answer a lot of questions that would probably sound pretty familiar in your head right now. What happened? When? When did it start? Did he really mean it? Did he really care?
What I finally realized (about alcohol and the affair) was the I was EXPECTING the person that harmed me had the where with all to help fix me. That was a false narrative and only created more heartache for me. I was under the false impression that I would get resolution from him if he would only answer my 1000s of questions. I have overall gotten resolution but it has only come from me. Even if he did answer all of my questions it would have kept the focus in the wrong place.....on him. I had already spent enough energy on him.
I also realized (eventually) to trust my gut but I had to let go of the first part to do that.