Gil, I know you're words are completely full of logical reasoning.
I also know that I will hit that lucid moment where I feel fine and logic all the reasoning away. Because if I am fine then what needs to be done other than recovery maintenance?
(anyone new reading this- we are good at qualifying maintenance on many different levels. Denial is not just a river in Egypt and all that.)
This sounds so unbelievably melodramatic to me when I think or read it back.
And then I think that like, I can't remember half of this. I remember most of last night until I fell asleep/passed out.
And even though I say I have all these amazing supports within my reach- even if it doesn't cost money there is still a cost.
I know I am doing ok. I know I will get through this. Because the last time I felt relatively this awful I just wanted to end this feeling, permanently.
Right now I am just trying to idiotically figure out my options and how to do this all safely.