Some bad days still
So I haven't seen my ex in about 2 weeks. He called me a few days ago while he was extremely high and driving... yes, he is now driving while high and paranoid (he hallucinates, mind you). I got extremely mad and told him he's beyond selfish. Normally he would never drive while high, but I guess that's changed.
He's always angry the next morning after a rough high (which seems to be the usual now) and the next day he texted me saying that "just so you know; I didn't change for you cause you were never worth it. I treated my ex much better because she was worth it. That's why I offered to pay off her debt and took her out in NYC every weekend." I cried so hard. I know I can't put any meaning into ANYTHING he says.. but for some reason it just really got to me. He hasn't really been able to make me cry recently as I'm just numb and over it.. but that really stung.
I was so loyal to him. I stuck by him through his addiction and his struggles with hopes that it would be all worth it in the end. I called him every morning to make sure he was still alive only to be yelled at and hung up on. I'd come over with food just to have it sit there and go bad because he lied about being high and wasn't hungry for days. I actually stuck by him unlike everyone else in his life... And yet I got nothing. I never got taken out anywhere. I never even got a simple "thank you." I know I keep stewing on this but for some reason it just deeply hurts me. And I pick myself apart constantly. He never once told me he loved me. He actually said he doesn't love me and couldn't because I don't please him and I argue too much. "How could I love someone who just wants me to me miserable?" Is always his response. I guess me arguing and nagging was me wanting him to be miserable when I just wanted him to get better.
I feel so dumb. But I'm trying. Most days I'm actually okay. But sometimes, like today, I just feel terrible and break down.