Only you can decide what your boundaries are around what you will live with and what you won't, and you don't owe anyone compassion or forgiveness except yourself. If lying, hiding, and rugsweeping are dealbreakers for you, then fair enough.
I for one don't think withholding immediate compassion and forgiveness constitutes abuse. You are allowed to have feelings about the behavior of the person you are married to. She doesn't get to dictate what those feelings should be.
If you are trying to figure out what to do, focus on your responses and your options here. Changing her is not an option. Deciding what you can live with is.