Horn95

Just got a sponsor. He has been sober for 30 years, gets his chip on Monday. Another guy who spoke last night, 33 years. All around the folks at the meeting I went to last night, as there is at every meeting, there were folks from all walks of life. 10 years sober, some a few months. Just among the most inspirational, strong people I have ever met. And I need to be careful about how I say this, but I am a professional, constantly surrounded by a lot of fancy people. But the folks I have been getting to know, only because I have been going through what I have been fighting for going on 3 years, these folks just keep fighting, and are the most amazing people I have ever met. And they are happier than they have ever been, or fighting like hell to get it back . It’s not perfect. But gosh darn it, so much respect.

And I don’t believe I measure up, not right now. I come from a family of alcoholics. My father, who was one of the strongest men in the world (was a Batallion commander in Vietnam, and one of the highest ranked Hispanic officers in the U. S. Army in the late 70s), was a 3 bottle of wine a night drInker when he passed in the 1990s after a successful SECOND career (car accident on his way to work). My mom, she was a drunk but cleaned up, sort of — she has/had issues far beyond alcohol, but I love her dearly. But alcohol was a poison to our family and their marriage. The things I witnessed of their drunkenness. No child should have seen it. But I digress.

But inexplicably I took it up. And years of carousing and cavorting in clubs and bars, it was the cool life. And somehow or other (sarcasm) I ended up after years of thinking my drinking was ok, just part of being a professional, I was downing a bottle of wine by 9 am just to make the shakes go away. I have done very well, financially and professionally, but that don’t mean squat if you lose it all. And everything I have I would give to have what the amazingly strong folks I have met have.

The relapses are debilitating, though.

In any event, the meeting.

It was interesting. The meeting yesterday was based on yesterday’s AA daily thought — no one is different. As I set there, I felt so different. I was surrounded by these folks who had lost jobs, marriages, dui’s, but they kept fighting. And I keep giving back in. Me with my fancy degrees, and seeming perfect life, beautiful wife, seemingly great financial situation ( that is quickly evaporating), it is all about to come crashing down.

All I want to do is to be happy again. To enjoy the sun shining on my face as I crank “More than a Feeling” (by the American Band Boston) on my car stereo, with the sunroof open, and feeling that buzz from a great cup of coffee. I have had a lot of fights in my life. But this the hardest I have ever faced. And I am feel like That so far, it is, at best, a draw.

It is my hope that I can draw from these wonderful folks I am meeting, for guidance and strength. In fact, to me, the Higher power is the community of these people. People coming together in the same desperation and love — to help each ourselves and each other. Turn it over to these agents of “God” who can guide me through this storm. Surely that is something God would approve of?

In any event, I am inspired, but to some extent, despondent. One day at a time I guess. But the first part of my days have been sometimes insurmountable. My relapses ALWAYS occur no later than 1 pm. The guilt. Anxiety. And on and on.

Dear God, how did I get here?

So I wrote this tome, because I have so much respect and empathy for all on this board, and everyone of us that are struggling, muddling through. We are fighting for our lives in a way no one else can understand.

Keep fighting.