Originally Posted by
Nightowl45 
Hello all,
Iīve been a problem drinker since I was about 16, since the first time I touched alcohol, I knew I was different. When I start drinking, I just drink, and drink until all the booze is gone or I just pass out. Itīs been 10 years, now Iīm 26.
Now, as alcoholics are very good at hiding, my current girlfriend has no idea of it (we have been living together for 6 months now), our relasionship is great. I dont touch alcohol when she is home (only on social occasions, when she drinks as well, usually she just has a pint of cyder, she dosenīt drink much at all, I usually end up kinda drunk, but able to control my self to a level I dont end up too "*********").
I dont drink around her, because I have a past relasionship where I did, and she left me very-very heart broken, because of my drinking. I dont want my current one to know. I love her, and some day I would like to marry her. Nether I dont want to attend AA meeting, since Im afraid it might spook my current one away, since attending one would make it plain obvious to her, that I have a problem.
She works on a cruise ship,two weeks on and two weeks off. When she goes away for work I just start drinking. And I dont stop until she gets back. Then Im two weeks sober and repeat. I think she starts to get a hint that somethings is off. Asking why my hands are shaking, why I cant sleep. When she calls me, she often has caught me in time when my speech is very slurred etc. But not once she has been angry, just asking if im drunk? Then I just make up a lie and tell her that, I was just out with the guys, when accually im alone drinking at home.
Thinking about quitting altogether. If I can sting together 14 days on monthly basis, maybe I can quit for good....
Very familiar life you are attempting to lead. And I mean "attempting" - as it's obvious such a deceitful existence already failed you once.
I lived and am attempting to recover from the same sort of hidden drunk life you are living now. I didn't have a wife/girl who was away for stretches like that - but I did the whole hiding/sneaking when she is around and then whenever she was away I'd get blasted. I know the anxiety of hoping she doesn't recognize the slurred voice - or making sure all bottles have been disposed of before she gets home. I could go on and on, as I'm sure you know.
In the end what I'm trying to do is to live a truthful life - something I get the sense you wish you were able to do as well. I'm nowhere NEAR an authority on these issues, only on day 13 after many other swings at sobriety. I just hear in your post the pain and suffering that comes with living a duplicitous life - where in the end the main person you are betraying is yourself.
There is much wisdom and support on this site man. I hope you are able to find what you need and can put down the bottle.
Even yesterday my wife was away and I felt the beast rumbling, wanting that sweet oblivion. But I didn't give in, luckily maybe. Either way I need to find a way to trust myself and I think you need to do the same.