back to square one and feeling hopeless
Hey guys.
I am really suffering today. Went out last night, didn't really plan on drinking but I had a few, ended up getting high as well. All in all.. Another failure.
The problems in my life feel insurmountable at times. Since I started drinking and drugging around 18 things have been bad. Different little jobs, leaving university, etc. Just can't find my way in the world. Nothing seems to suit me or I don't want to do those things.
My mom hates me and I need to move out. She is abusive and mean and overall a negative on my life. Being raised by her has left me with a lot of scars and emotional shame. But a lot of it is my doing as well.
The rental market sucks and I'd be stuck in a ****** room somewhere else in the city. Speaking of jobs the options seem so slim. I also receive disability for my past mental health problems so those have been keeping me afloat relatively.
I don't see any way of reaching even relative satisfaction for the future now age 25. Everything seems so bleak. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Choosing between jobs I don't want to do, moving into places I don't even want to live. Not to mention its winter and I don't want to prospect the whole city for places.
And of course, I resort to booze and weed when I feel hopeless. Which has been the norm since I became an "adult."
I contemplate packing a bag and just heading off into the world until my money runs out and see where I get. At least it will be an adventure.