i had to dissect what the anger was really directed at - and i think i had to tell myself over and over that it was directed at...the disease,
You're wise enough for me!! I think that had a lot to do with it - the situation is so hard and frustrating but that isn't all about the person. In the end he was nearest, he failed to reach something I thought he would and copped for it, probably most of the anger I feel towards the mental health system for leaving me to figure all this out myself.
Equus, my sponsor uses the expression "whirly-giggin'." When I get going around and around about all the what ifs, could haves, should haves, and what the hell do I do nows... she says my mind is whirly-giggin'
Yup - I'm trying not to but I know I'm whirly gigging a bit!!
I am giving myself a break and using my skills of detachment right now. Detachment is a valueable tool for me right now....
This isn't about him drinking (not that I would win detachment awards there right now either!) but I need somehow to pull back a little from the whole situation - only part of not knowing how well he is day to day is making that very hard.
Like his doc said he's managing to hold things togather but only with fairly heavy support from me. There's no point in saying if I pull back they'll pick it up - he's been refused, they haven't and emergancy mental health treatment is only given when someone is a danger to themselves or others. He almost got that far but in doing so was definately a danger to himself - I can't just say that's the best way for him to get help.
In fact what his doctor said summed it up very well, there's nowhere for me to get any respite, there's no treatment on offer apart from inadequatley qualifed mental health nurses after a six month wait. It isn't fair that it's fallen on me but it has AND he's my husband, I'm not a detached proffessional, we have a relationship, one where actions have always played a greater part than words. Now I don't know whether actions are depression, panic, or slight mania but I still feel things.
I just couldn't stop crying last night, maybe because he is my friend and I know I can't say why - so much of this isn't his fault part of me hunts down what is so that I can say that, so that I can get angry, so that I can tell him I'm tired.
I'm swimming with my bestest and very clever buddy tonight, D is doing us lambe stew for when we get back - ironic isn't it, I fall apart when actually nothing has really gone wrong accept me having a meltdown!