MisterA

This is really long, sorry, but I just want to talk....

So I haven’t had a sip of alcohol since Jan 19. It hasn’t been too easy, but I’m not really struggling. I told all my friends and family “I am not going to drink less and I don’t want to drink less, I am going to stop forever.” So maybe that declaration helped make it stick for these past days.

But I’m worried. And I want to talk. I hope that’s okay. It’s kind of a weird worry and it has to do with a girl, and I have to explain it. Sorry if this is long and rambling and kind of pointless, but you’ve been warned.

I first posted here about how I embarrassed myself and said some very hurtful things to a girl I liked (who was also a good friend) while I was drunk. I tried to link to it but it wouldn’t let me.

So since then, the girl who rejected me has been the most supportive of friends. She graduated from law school and is studying for her BAR exam at the end of this month, so she can become a practicing lawyer. I’ve been going over to her place every few days and pretty much sitting with her and helping her study (timing her, making sure she doesn’t get distracted, encouraging her, she says it helps).

So a couple of days ago, we are talking about law stuff, mostly her just telling me about it, when she goes “I think you would really like constitional law.... why don’t you apply for law school?” And I’m immediately thinking like “Me? Law school?? Me???” I tell her my grades were terrible, that no law school would ever accept someone like me. I tell her it’s impossible. She tells me her grades were bad too, she tells me that she knows how I think, and that if I practiced I could ace the LSAT and that would make up for my poor grades, she tells me that since 8 years have passed since I received my degree it would seem distant compared to a recent LSAT, she tells me they would like that I had a degree in Philosophy, that I could for sure get into at least a lower tier law school (like she did), she tells me that the school she went to is cheap (relatively speaking), she basically tells me a lot of things. She tells me I would make a excellent professor at a law school one day. She looks up LSAT dates for me and I start to get excited. Actually, I get really excited. For the past dozen years or so, no one has ever believed in me before. Not like that.

I go home full of hope and happy thoughts, thinking, if I was drinking every day I couldn’t do it, but now maybe I can. I am filled with gratitude towards my friend, I even tell her “I’m so glad I decided to come sit with you today.” And I meant it. She replied “everything happens for a reason.” I have not felt this giddy in the longest time. At that moment I don’t care that she doesn’t feel the same way towards me that I feel for her, I absolutely love her with a pure grateful love, because she gave me a goal and a hope, for something I kind of always wanted but never let myself wish for or dwell on it because I thought it could never happen.

But of course, worry crops up. I can’t remember my GPA. It’s been 8yrs since I graduated. I frantically look around for a transcript, but only find the first page. I finally manage to log in to my university’s website and look at my GPA. It’s bad. Like much worse than I thought. I feel my heart sinking. I want to drink and just pass out. It’s hopeless, I got my hopes all up for nothing, just more wishful thinking, I hate myself for even thinking I deserved a shot at this. My self-loathing is extreme.

But I don’t drink, I call her, trying to control any trembling in my voice. “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re studying, but I just looked at my GPA and it’s bad.” We talk it about it. She is absolutely unwavering, adamant that i cannot give up, that I have to try, that while my GPA was low, it wasn’t a lost cause. She sends me a bunch of texts telling me not to give up, that all this means is I have to study that much harder for the LSAT. She tells me she will take me to meet the dean of her Law School after she takes the BAR, that she will put in a good word for me and ask him what I need to do to get accepted, and she absolutely refuses to believe that It is impossible.

I google “can I get into law school with a GPA of...” and I find that the vast majority of answers say, exactly what she told me, “yes, with a high LSAT, it’s certainly possible.”

I am filled with hope again. I’m going to go get my picture taken today so I can register for the June LSAT, then I’m going to go buy some Prep Books and maybe sign up for a course. There’s no memorization needed for the LSAT, but studying helps improve your speed for the logic questions.

So why am I worried. Oddly, I am no longer worried about the LSAT or my future. I’m worried about the girl. Or rather, my feelings about the girl. I’ve become almost dependent on her. And maybe that would be ok, sometimes you need to lean on people, except that I still have feelings for her, and they’ve only grown stronger after this recent stuff. And I know she doesn’t like me the way i like her, and I thought I was ok with that. I thought I know myself and I know my triggers, I even told her “you know I have feelings for you, it’ll take some time for them to leave, but please don’t ever mention anything to me about hooking up with anyone, as it will make me want to drink.”
She said “nooo! Nothing at all like that is going on! I’m at home studying all day!”

But in the past, it’s made me want to drink before. It’s a major trigger for me. One of the big ones.
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to say this sort of thing, but something that affected me deeply was when I asked her about the time she said some guy slept with her and then never called her back and she replied “which one?” I don’t know why it hurt me so much. I tried to make heads or tails of it and I just can’t. God, it still hurts, it even hurt to type it out, and I don’t know why it hurts so much, it’s so simple, just two words “which one?” But I keep replaying it over and over in my head and it hurts everytime, it’s not jealousy, it’s something else something worse. It’s like, kind of anger, but not at the guys in question, at her, but it’s not envy either, it’s, I don’t know. But I do know that it’s a trigger. Definitely.

But I’ve been ok with it now. Not the “which one?” comment, that will always hurt. But I could be happy being around her even knowing we would never be together. But then I realized, I was only really ok with it because she’s studying everyday for the bar and not going out and meeting guys. And I realized, that no matter what she didn’t tell me, I would still imagine it happening. And it would tear at me.

But it’s like I need her now. I haven’t felt this excited for something in the longest time. And she is one of the few people in my life who does not insult me and bring me down and make me feel like I’m worthless all the time, even after all my screw ups. She lifts me up and encourages me, and I need that.

I’m also worried she’s gonna slip up. Or she’ll forget. Or she’ll think I’m over it. Or I’ll think I’m over it and ask. Or she’ll say something she would never consider seriously harms me, like really, “which one?” It’s like just two words, it’s all it takes and stays with me forever, cutting me every time I think about it and she doesn’t realize it.

I don’t know. This is too long. I know. I’m sorry. But I just needed to share. I don’t know what will happen after this month. I’m worried I’m going to get depressed and want to drink again. Maybe my feelings for her will die. Maybe I’ll start to see her as just a friend. It’s happened before. I’ve fallen for girls before and then just fallen out of that feeling. I’m really hoping that will happen. I’m trying to force it, sometimes it works, but then she goes out of her way to do something really nice for me and I fall for her all over again. I’m so confused.