Unfortunately I feel like this is gonna be a never ending circle.. guilt because of drinking, sober (but only because he feels his body cannot take more or no money), feelings hit him, guilt again, more drinking... this has been going for like 16-18 years.
My whole youth was ruined because of this. He failed as a father figure and never showed me how to do this or that.
You know, if I were him, I would've moved out like 10 years ago, because I would've realized I'm unable to stop, and I don't wanna ruin my family.. I resent him very very much because of this.
He will be going to a addiction center mid-February and will stay there for 6-12 months (not allowed to visit home). I feel like I'll move out this spring/ summer and when that happens, I wish to never ever see /hear from him again in my entire life.
I know his youth was the same (even worse than mine actually), but again, that cannot justify what he did to me/us.
Maybe 5-10 years later, when I'll have the life I want and will be content, I might forgive him.. maybe.