I flinch when I think about him touching me. This is STUPID. I haven't been beat or mentally or sexually abused. Yes, there's a lot of hurt, anger and resentment for things he's done while drunk. But feeling this is way is just overboard, and has come out since I finally decided I was done. It has gotten worse in the past week.
It will be a few weeks until I can get in to see my counselor. Meanwhile I am baffled by my emotions. Wow, it just occurred to me, I think I am scared to death to get close to him and trust him again.
Ladies, have you been through this? What did you do, did you work through it?
I still feel this way after my H has been out of rehab for a year and has been doing great sobriety wise and has really changed (and I have never been physically or sexually abused either but all the years of alcoholism and everything that comes with it is technically a form of emotional abuse). I think I had just been on autopilot for so long prior to that and for the most part just doing my "wifely duties" from time to time that once the alcoholic cat was out of the bag I was finally allowed to feel what I really felt, and that was repulsion resulting from many years of having to smell alcohol just walking into the bedroom at night and also resentment over the situation etc. That stuff takes a toll.
Per an earlier thread it also is more common than you think apparently for the non alcoholic partner to feel this way (that goes for both men and women). It made me feel a little less of a jerk because I really felt like I was the only one especially since my H is doing well and I "should" just get over myself. But the years of addition really do a number on people. The addict hasn't really been there for us for emotional intimacy and physical intimacy can obviously be affected for one or more reasons.
Don't be too hard on yourself. He has only been sober for a very short time. Give yourself time to deal with this and if you avent already done so read the thread from a few days ago about physical repulsion after spouse gets sober. I found it very helpful to help me sort through my feelings. It didn't do anything to improve the situation but it validated that I'm not the only one that feels this way and made me more aware of the why on some of it. And that of course is helpful.
They really cannot expect the non alcoholic spouse to just welcome them back with open arms once they get sober. There has been so much hurt etc that needs to be worked through. I'm pretty sure if I had welcomed my H back with open arms we would've quickly fallen back into the codependent unhealthy relationship because I would not have addressed my issues adequately at that point. He has admitted that that would've been very liked the case.
I'm still working on stuff myself now. I honestly don't know if I will ever get over that feeling. It is hard to imagine that you can go from just cringing at the thought of having someone touch you back to being in a loving intimate relationship.
Only time will tell so give yourself a break and take your time to work through stuff. He is still very early up in recovery which oftentimes can be worse emotionally than when they were still drinking