It’s amazing what happens to us in dealing with an addict. I relate SO much to your post. In my heart I loved and cared for my qualifier deeply. When he disappeared on his benders I wanted nothing more than to hold him and consume him with my love, wrap my arms around him, never let him go. I was literally going through withdrawals. When he would show back up however, post-detox and newly sober, I felt extreme resentment and anger to the exact points you mention. I didn’t want him touching me. I would even flinch when he did. It felt so crazy because i loved this man so much and was a maniac watching over his drinking, yet when he had sober periods I wanted nothing to do with him. Normally before all the relapses started we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I was so loving and warm but after all the damage was done I turned into a cold hearted B. He would reach over to get romantic, and I would just freeze. I couldn’t stand his touch anymore. It’s as though all of the anger and hurts and traumas were manifesting and coming out this way.
I felt crazy. That’s what addiction does to all involved. That’s why it’s a family disease. We all get to go along for the ride!