Did you feel like an out of control child?
I posted in the wrong area, so am reposting here......
Its been six weeks since I told him I was done and moved into my own room. I haven't been able to even look at him, much less let him touch me. He seems like a stranger. After a long 20 years, hes 16 days sober. We had a long talk last night. He listened more than he talked. I shared with him my plan for me and the boys to leave if I need to. Today I told him I wanted to put half of our tax return in my own account, to be used as an emergency fund for me so I don't feel trapped. He said I can put the whole amount in there if it helps me. I was sceptical and said so and he said he had 18 years to make up to me. This is him as his normal self (before he starts drinking in the evening.)
He asked if Id cut his hair. I thought Id meet him in the middle since I can see he is at least trying. I can tell he is genuine, but honestly, I don't even trust my own emotions anymore. I didn't want to but it was a way to extend the olive branch.
I barely got through it and just couldn't do it. I had to touch him to cut his hair. I got shaky and started crying and walked off. I flinch when I think about him touching me. This is STUPID. I haven't been beat or mentally or sexually abused. Yes, there's a lot of hurt, anger and resentment for things he's done while drunk. But feeling this is way is just overboard, and has come out since I finally decided I was done. It has gotten worse in the past week.
It will be a few weeks until I can get in to see my counselor. Meanwhile I am baffled by my emotions. Wow, it just occurred to me, I think I am scared to death to get close to him and trust him again.
Ladies, have you been through this? What did you do, did you work through it?