Originally Posted by Wcabs

A few weeks ago my wife (of 3 1/2 years, no children) told me that she had cheated on me 14 months earlier, while on a business trip in Mexico. She’s a recovering alcoholic, and admits that this happened when she got drunk in a Mexican bar. What’s worse is that her ****** female friend/co-worker (who WAS my friend too) was there and, encouraged it to happen, though that’s a story for another day. In any case, she slept with a random guy, and then felt tremendous remorse the next day when sober

When she returned, I had to leave almost immediately to see my family for a reunion. I could tell she was upset, but chalked it up to the many multiple instances of her feeling constantly stressed due to her job. In addition, several times that years, she would go out for one drink with friends/co-workers, and wouldn’t come back until 5am, completely drunk and irrational. I expressed my fears to her each and every morning after, that if she continued, I feared she would cheat on me or possibly get raped. In short, when she returned from Mexico, possibly ready to tell me what happened in Mexico, I was frustrated with her constant sad demeanor, and in hindsight, I should’ve been there.

So, the cheating of November 2016 led to December 2016, where she told me of at least two other drunken instances: 1) kissing/making out at party, and 2) a possible sexual assault. I never knew about #2 but bc of it, she stopped sleeping with me for a month, concerned about any possible STDs (tests came back fine). It pains me to know that a man took advantage of her in such a vulnerable state.

Besides one more drunken kissing (this time with a woman) incident in January 2017, she decided to become sober and did a great job (besides three minor relapses that did not result in infidelity) sticking with a healthy eating and exercise regimen. But during 2017, Her SOBER self hid the horrific things her DRUNKEN self did. How can I reconcile the fact that 14 months of our lives are basically a lie?

In any case , she admitted to this about two and a half weeks ago and my world has NOT been the same since. Since then, I’ve gone through what feels like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and find myself CONSTANTLY thinking bad thoughts (like, “if she knew there was a condom on the guy from mexico,then she obviously wasn’t TOO drunk and could’ve stopped it.”, or “did she go down on him?”, or “was he stronger/more attractive than me?”) to doubts about the future... like, “even if I improve my flaws, and even if she is very committed to staying sober, what’s to say that this won’t happen again if she relapses?”

And now she tells me that she needs to leave on ANOTHER work trip in about a week, for three days. As a reminder, she cheated on me on a similar work trip to Mexico, though obviously she knows I’ll be calling/checking in on her very often when she leaves.

Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?

To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.

What do I do?