I'm glad you made it back, nigey.
Now I don't know if it's my age or my bucket of misery is full but I am struggling.
I can really relate to this...I felt the same way at the end of my drinking.
First, thank you for your service. I couldn't do the job you do, and we need you. I'm sure you've seen more than you ever wanted and it didn't go the way you thought it would, surely.
The good thing is that there is probably really good therapy available to you as a LEO. Please take advantage of it! You deserve someone on your side, and we all need to unload that bucket at various times. It always helps me to get things out of my head and let someone else take a look at them and help me put them in perspective.
((hug)) and keep talking.