"Bottling it up" is the root of my problem- I am a bad sharer and tend to keep everything to myself, making it virtually impossible to deal with- and that leads to the urge to feel nothing- or to do what we do- drink. Is there a safe place where you can talk and let your feelings out or at least get someone else's perspective? This helps me immensely, often my take is not accurate or is overblown and just having someone else listen is of great comfort. Also, you stated your sober years were "the best years of your life" and sometimes we don't feel we deserve the best- don't underestimate the power of self-sabotage. You deserve every good thing you work towards and your old self will be back, better than ever if you just keep going. You're not alone, and good job on your 5 weeks, that's fantastic.