Hi Nigey
I understand what you are feeling and it is frustrating and creepy. I get spooked by myself when I feel that way. As if I cannot count on anything and I am worried I won't return to my grounded self. I began drinking as a habit when I was 25. I enjoyed my whiskey and coke which began on weekends and then by my early 30's it was every evening and weekends. I never had a serious problem until a series of events happened when I was around 36 and I fell into a dark place mentally. I completely disconnected form myself and used alcohol to cope. I am now 42 and it has been a tough road back. When your mental well being gets involved it makes it so hard because you loose the part of yourself that effectively navigates your ship. I have learned to live carefully with myself and one day at a time. I guess I am just trying to say that I totally understand what you are going through. What has worked for me is re-establishing myself. My old self is there and will return. I catch glimpses of her every now and then and I cling to it. My mind is healing but it is like a bone that has been broken and I have to wait patiently for it to heal. I found self care to be very important. Be kind to yourself and look for ways to treat yourself. The mental discomfort can be overwhelming and I have had many slip ups but they always end up with me feeling so much worse, guilty, ashamed, sick. Being sober is the sane choice for me. The only choice. Just know that you are totally not alone in this journey. I find this to be a great site. Lots of similar stories which I have found to be very helpful in my own journey.