He needs to focus on his sobriety and I need to focus on fixing the anger and co-dependency issues I've had towards him for a long time. I would spend money behind his back and I've admitted my financial infidelity and have asked for forgiveness.
That's the heart of the issue and I would focus on it. Forget the blame and self-blame, and try to let go of expectations about the future, which no one can predict. No, you're not the root of h is problems and he's not the root of yours. Alanon was a life-saver for me and I hope you take advantage of the support and wisdom. Alcoholism is a life or death illness and he's right to focus 100% on his recovery.