You know, my lowest point came after I'd been sober about 6 months. I was even going to an AA meeting each week, but not doing the step work or talkkingbto anyone as.... well, I wasn't THAT bad an alcoholic to need all that stuff. I hated my life and my thoughts and my emotions. I went to bed each night praying that I would never wake up again, and woke up cursing the fact that I had. Every day as I drove to work tears would start rolling down my cheeks. Often my clothes would be pretty much soaked by the time I arrived at work.
I'd been up to the doctors. My boss had referred me for counselling. But I suppose I knew that what I really needed was to change how stuff made me feel. Learn to LIVE sober, not just BE sober.
Then one day at an AA meeting I must have actually been listening rather than just deciding what to have for tea when I hit home because I actually 'Heard'
How it works. What I heard can be summed up as "you're no special snowflake, if you want to feel better you need to get off your high horse, get a sponsor and do the effing work". I got myself a sponsor there and then. And started doing the recovery step work. I can honestly and 100% say thay life has fekt much easier since. It hasn't been plain sailing and there have been disappointments and problems along the way of course. But they don't affect me how they once did.
When we look at the 12 steps of the AA recovery program (which has been adapted for all kinds of other things) the thing that always surprised me at first was that alcohol is only even mentioned in the first step off the 12. Now I understand and know, stopping drinking is only the first step. Recovery is what makes that sobriety bearable, sustainable, comfortable, and one day preferable to drinking. How about looking at your recovery plan and what you've added in to your life since you stopped drinking, and maybe start adding to that plan and routine. The Paws article was really helpful to me. It helped me understand the reasons working a program of recovery is useful, even to those of us who didn't end up with string belts, living on the streets drinkingbout a bottle wrapped in a paper bag.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?) https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
This thread might be useful as well...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...blems-yet.html (Drinking too much but no major problems (yet)?...)
A couple of things I'll suggest which seem counter-intuitive when we're low, but really do make a difference are Gratitude Lists, and helping / being useful to others. A lot of our problem is getting stuck looking at ourselves, our own sadness, and all that we don't like about our lives. Shifting the focus is a big relief. I've heard alcolism described as having a dis-eased perspective, and that was definitely the case for me.
I do hope that you don't entertain these thoughts of drinking again. That wasn't any good solution before, and it won't be now. After all, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
BB