Hello,
What to say really? I'm currently 93 days sober. I had eight months plus sober before that, so nearly a year total since I first tried seriously to quit drinking. Before that I was a serious binge drinker for 20 years. I didn't really quit for any particular reason, other than that it was time and things were getting bad with secrecy and having to drink the mornings.
I'm so disappointed with my progress. Despite being sober for 50 out the last 52 weeks, the last year has been the worst of my life in many ways. Many of the things I hoped would improve without alcohol have steadily gotten worse over the year.
I am still grossly depressed, which mostly manifests itself in stress and anxiety, but also self-hatred and a lack of motivation. (Wellbutrin might be starting to help with the last one, now that I think of it.) Since quitting drinking I have been self-harming during crisis points, as this gives something of the temporary relief of drinking (all the subsequent self-loathing and shame, too). I have frequent ideas of suicide that seem to come from from the same place as the AV. These are intrusive, obsessional thoughts, much like the constant thoughts of drinking during active alcoholism.
My relationships with my wife and kids have suffered because of this. I'm permanently irritable, over-stressed and moody. I have good days and then trash everything with fits of anger and resentment, set off by stupid things. It's horrible. I was doing a bit better with this with Lexapro, but is started making me numb and slothful, so I had to give that up.
My marriage is in limbo. My relationship with my wife has been ruined by alcohol, but not in the usual dramatic way. My drinking has always been directed inwards, private almost. But she hates the fact of me being an alcoholic, rather than for anything particular I have done. (She had a long-term partner who was an abusive alcoholic, and I always feel I am being punished for someone else's crimes, but all that is beside the point...) It makes me so sad to read here of people whose spouses/families support them in their recovery and whose relationships have improved during their sobriety. My efforts have been met with nothing but scorn and resentment.
I live in the US, but am from the UK. I have no real friends here, maybe a couple of people at work. I can't really speak to my parents about any of this as they are so far away and we are "British" in the sense that talking about things is painful and awkward at the best of times. (When I told my mother that I am an alcoholic and that I was quitting, all she could say was "Oh, that's nice dear..."
)
Anyway, I've found myself obsessing about alcohol quite badly the last week or so and keep thinking about just giving up. I picked up a book about British cuisine the other day and stupidly read the chapter about beer, which has set my racing thoughts off big time...
Oh well, I feel better for having written it all out. Seems like a stupid rant now I read it back.
**** it, nothing to do but never drink again, I suppose!
MrMctell.