Crushed and confused
Here is a VERY abbreviated overview of what brought me to this forum:
I've been married for 11 years to my AH. I've known he has a drinking problem for several years, but he is very high functioning. Looking back, I probably became an enabler without knowing it. To say I have put up with a lot and taken blame when I know it wasn't my fault would be a gross understatement. Everything came to a head around the 1st of October. He told me he didn't like who I made him become b/c he always had to lie to me. He told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married. I was blindsided, shocked, and devastated. The next 3 months were a nightmare of ups and downs while he was on a frightening binge. I am hurt, angry, and disgusted by his choices and behavior, but I ultimately just want my marriage to work. We have 3 young boys who deserve their daddy.
Well, I know that he isn't capable of giving us what we need right now, so on New Years I told him he needed to go stay somewhere else (this after he drank so much over NYE that I think he scared himself....I think he finally hit rock bottom). He acted shocked (even though he kept telling me he didn't want to be with me) and then got defensive, and then started the blame game. The next day, he had changed his tune. He went to an AA meeting and came home FINALLY admitting that he has problem and he knows he needs help. He admitted that it wasn't my fault and he had been blaming me all along for his actions. He stated he wanted to get help and get better. He has not had a drink since New Year's Day, and has been staying with a good friend (who has had his own struggle with addiction. He is going to AA and has gotten a sponsor. He calls me and texts me, and our interactions seem genuinely friendly. There hasn't been any arguing, and he has come to the last few holiday family gettogethers with my side of the family.
Overall, I am super proud of his efforts but aware the this is VERY early in his recovery. I am unsure of what the future holds, as far as our marriage. More than anything, I want us to work....I miss US. But, right now, I want to support his efforts w/o adding additional stress. I guess, I am looking for suggestions/support for what my role should be right now. How do I support him from a distance? I am struggling with establishing boundaries and knowing what my role should be. Like everyone else, this is not a position I ever thought I would be in. I am crushed and heartbroken; I am hurt and angry. I know I need to be strong for my children and myself. Some days I feel strong, others I feel like I want to curl up under a rock. I don't know what, if anything, I should expect from him. Does he miss me? Does he feel bad? Is he even capable of feeling? He just seems so down in the dumps when I see him....how long before he is even thinking clearly?