I really, really want to be sober but I'm scared of people
I'm so tired of running in circles. I am so tired of isolating and drinking, but it is so entrenched, it is the only way I know to find comfort. I have tried and failed so many times. I can't make it stick! Every single time, I get a few days of sobriety and I start to convince myself that abstinence isn't necessary. I have serious issues with intimacy, and the one time I did get far enough along to find a sponsor, I wound up pulling a disappearing act and going back to drinking/using, because I am so profoundly uncomfortable with close relationships. I am so unbearably self-conscious of everything I say and do, and I can't stop that inner dialogue that questions how everyone around me is feeling and reacting to me. So I just isolate. The sponsor relationship is terrifying to me - I just really don't know if I can ever get to that point, but I cannot recover alone. I really need help. Any advice? Thank you.