Thank you everyone, appreciate the kind words and support.
Having to really push myself here, unable to sleep at night presently, have to get moving tho as I have a “feeling good” group session at 10 to help deal with anxiety - AA at 12.15 and a one to one at 2 plus the evening meeting I have also committed too.
There’s a permanent voice in my head that just keeps repeating “I can’t” with absolutely anything and everything I need to do, screaming at me at times, but i guess I can and I am today - that’s actually the most positive thing I have thought in a good while.
Keep hearing be kind to yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself - need to stop beating myself up and start climbing out of this hole.