I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can't imagine how you feel right now.
They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is suppose to be your reason to quit drinking.
I had your thoughts after Christmas. Not suicidal, but drinking made me think that I wanted to die. I acted on it with the indent of messing with my husband because we were fighting. Luckily I didn't succeed. If I had it would have been by accident, but nobody would have know that. I was my wake-up call. I am 9 days sober and I'm serious this time.
You can make a negative, a positive! We're here for you.