You are not alone and there is hope. I would urge you to speak with a mental health professional and verbalize exactly what's going on in your life.
For many of us the consequences of our drinking finally got us on the road to sobriety - I was sick and tired of living a dishonest life and causing pain to others. Fear dominated my life and lead to feelings as you describe. There was a way out of it but I had to seek support.
You never have to drink again - soberly, most issues can be resolved.