Sohard

I understand 100% what you are saying. I started drinking in college and continued on through graduate school and in my twenties with my friends in NYC. Eventually, they all moved on with their lives, got married, had kids, and I was still sitting there: drinking a bottle a night and kinda okay with it because I so enjoyed having that bottle. I realized I wasn't moving forward, but I sincerely didn't realize the alcohol was holding me back. Now that I'm no longer drinking, my state of mind is so much clearer and forward thinking. So, I really get what you mean about lost time. What makes me feel better (in case it helps you) is to not compare myself to other people and what they accomplished during the time I was sitting on my couch pouring alcohol down my mouth. There is no point. I mean, I don't know how their lives are going to turn out. Yes, I feel like I sort of lost 20-41 when I was not able to be my best me, which sucks, but my grandmother passed away when she was 50. That sucks too. Unlike she got to have, I hope I'll have a glorious old age. So, we don't all get everything, you know what I mean? And I might've lost ages 20-41 not being my best self, but I'm still darn lucky in the grand scheme of things that I was able to get a great education and a solid career. Would I be further along career and personal-wise had I been sober all that time? Well, maybe. But I might also have gone down in a plane crash on my way to one of my high powered business meetings. I know that sounds dramatic, but my point is that there is NO POINT in second guessing your history, thinking "if ONLY I hadn't drank so long" because you probably are just looking at what positive could have happened, but you have no idea something negative couldn't have come along with it. And, again, it is not your fault, I repeat - it is not your fault - you were/are an alcoholic. That's like thinking with regret "If only I hadn't had cancer", as if YOU gave yourself cancer. It is not your fault. Believe that - I'm not sure you do. You have a lot of life left and a seemingly wonderful wife. Just go forward. In the same way you would not feel regret about " lost time and missed opportunities" if you'd battled and won against stage 4 cancer (I'm guessing you'd feel damn lucky and proud that you made it so far) give yourself that same relief and pat on the back. Truly, you deserve it.